i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…