Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
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[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive