HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
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Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
found my next D&D character name
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.