I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
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My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.