[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
FINE, I WON’T.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
who wants to go expliring
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
yall want some gasoline milk
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.