HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
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WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey