People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
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The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way