me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
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I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.