[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
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Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
She: I like Cats
He:
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*