I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
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What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
yall want some gasoline milk
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.