Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
You Might Also Like
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
is this a threat
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*