Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
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Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november