Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
You Might Also Like
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree