My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
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My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.