Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”