I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
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[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I would move hell over six inches for you
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”