[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
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I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”