[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
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Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…