Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
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I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.