Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.