Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
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The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Bike is short for Bichael.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case