Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]