A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
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I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.