I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
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Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Still cracks me up
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.