It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
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Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN