[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
So the ex texted me
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.