I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
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OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I’m not lazy
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
when someone rings the doorbell
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
me refusing to leave twitter
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)