I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
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I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Human are so complicated
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.