people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
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My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
they finally got him. they got macavity
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.