6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
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*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Time for evil
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out