In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
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If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Sticker placement is key.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.