Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
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Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.