Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
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Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Netflix and scream at our children?!
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Strange
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
definitely did not do anything wrong
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.