I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
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man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
True freaking story!
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.