If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
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My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert