“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
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Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.