Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
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Me trying to walk in a dream
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again