I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
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[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I love it all
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?