In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
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My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
inside you are two wolves
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY