Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
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Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine