My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
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Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.