I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
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A small tragedy.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.