“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
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Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo