If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
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Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.