doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
You Might Also Like
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*