*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
You Might Also Like
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !