Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
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My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.