Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
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[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.