Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
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I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
my favorite genre of twitter
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”