FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
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Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
3% human
97% stress
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car